Magic Fix #18: Dumping the Pressure

I have been thinking deeply about my role as a mother and the pressures we put, not only on ourselves as parents but also on our children. It has been a pleasure to observe many amazing mothers, who dedicate their life to this role but I have also been a witness to many who put untold pressure on themselves and their children to perform par excellence in all areas of their lives. For me, it has been a journey of discovery and education to find the right balance between being a good parent who cares for the wellbeing and success of her children and being a tiger mom who scales her own success based upon how well her children perform in their own life. 

To be honest, I have felt the pangs of guilt when perhaps my child hadn't still learnt Bach's Minuet when the other child her same age has and at other times I may have also felt a tinge of pride at the knowledge that my child knows her times tables when others of her age don't but I had to ask myself, how is this good parenting, when it clearly isn't? Such competitiveness cannot be a good parenting strategy, as it leaves you with sour grapes and it puts insurmountable unspoken pressure (and sometimes clearly spoken) pressure on our kids. 

I have made a vow to myself that I will never compare my children with those of others and to never speak of their personal achievements publicly, leave aside in a boastful or prideful manner, nor will I speak negatively about the areas in which they may have failed my expectations in some way or other. Since I had made this decision, I cannot tell you how freeing it has been, not only to myself but my children. It has been simply the perfect 'magic fix' to a happier and more healthier relationship between us. The best thing has been that my children are free to achieve and perform at their own level, at their own pace and on what they want without the fear of comparison to others by me. The pride of performance and their sense of achievement has become purely intrinsic, much more long lasting and thankfully nothing to do with pleasing me or gaining my approval. 

Recently, I was relieved to read that this sort of hands off approach is not a road to disaster but could well be the way forward  as many children are seen to breakdown or burn out with the pressure put upon them by their parents. I read in the New York Times a book review on author and psychologist Madeline Levine who they say argue that "parents must learn new ways to express their love and concern, trading their fears of failure for their faith in their children's innate strengths, and prioritize the joys and challenges of life in the present (my italics) over anxious visions of an uncertain future." 


The article says that Levine encourages:

1. The virtue of teaching empathy.
2. The development of an authentic self (meaning do what you love and not just what is expected by others)
3. Making time for dreaming, creating and unstructured outdoor play. 

I love what Peg's Hubby from Boston wrote in one of the comments columns that I read, as part of a discussion on parenting in the NY Times:

What I have found (since) is that, aside from the provision of good schooling, love and friendly support and basic opportunities for sports and music, kids will do well whose drive comes from within. I long for the days when parents could go about the business of providing a stable and loving home while the kids sorted out their friendships, interests and projects on their own, with occasional consultation as needed. Anxiety and guilt - that's what we feel instead.

So these past few holidays, we unplugged the TV and apart from about an hour a day of scheduled homework time, I let the kids loose to follow their hearts desire, and these are some of the things they  chose to do:

They learnt to rollerblade.

and skateboard!

They created art collaborating with others.

They spent time in nature.

They cooked together.

They busked.

They turned themselves upside down. A lot!!!

But most of all, they gave to others in their own special way.