Monday, 4 February 2013

Magic Fix #24: Don't Choose Marriage!

"Do not choose marriage!" might sound fresh coming from a women whose whole blog centres around family life and a marriage that appears to be happy. It appears happy because it is happy. I don't write or depict anything that isn't a true slice of our reality at home. I write this blog for my children to refer to in the future, to get a sense of their mothers voice and to glean some wisdom that has helped me build a happy life. They would KNOW, if any of it ain't true!!! So I keep it real. This is exactly why I would advice anyone, including my children, not to choose marriage but to choose a 'spiritual partnership' instead.

I came across the concept of a 'spiritual partnership' when I saw a Youtube clip of a four minute conversation between Gary Zukave and Oprah. I was blown away because I finally had a name to call what my husband and I have had for the last 14 years of being together. Our relationship isn't a marriage, it is a spiritual partnership and it has been the single most reason why our family continues to flourish beyond our imagination. 

Before you take a few minutes to view the clip, inorder to understand what a spiritual partnership is, I would like you to read and ponder on this gem of a find and pay special attention to Number 3: I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

I hope that one day this will help my children to build a happy relationship with their chosen soul mate and I hope that you my dear reader can glean from it, what you may...x 

Top 5 Regrets of The Dying

Bronnie Ware
Inspiration and Chai

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. 

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. 

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. 

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Bonnie Ware is the author of the new book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.  Visit her official website Inspiration and Chai.

On a departing note (no pun intended) Steve Jobs, in 2005, during his Stanford Commencement Address, implored to the young graduates to live their life like its their last day on earth. If so, won't you want to be spending that day with your spiritual partner? Are you one half of a spiritual partnership or would you like to have one?


  1. What a beautiful inspirational post! Thank you Dharshi for giving me so much to take with me.

    1. Oh my god, getting a comment from you is like finding an old friend that I've been missing at my front door! I love hearing from you ALWAYS. Thank you! I think that the only people who are reading my blog is you, me and my husband!!! heehee I don't mind the least but I like it very much that you enjoy it and find some inspiration in it. I've had a quick sneak on your website and absolutely loved the words you used to describe your children sharing their are a fabulous writer. xx

  2. Excellent!
    That's awesome that you're thinking of your kids reading this stuff in the future.. They will see so much wisdom and clarity on here!!!

    Mmm I wonder what they'll think of my burble - they'll prob be so embarrassed! LOL


    1. No not embarrassed at all! They will se a mother who loved them dearly and someone who always displayed the kind of ideal we all should live by "be yourself!"


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